elaine

You know when I was young I always heard that when you sneeze a lot, it indicates that someone is thinking of you terribly.

Well I’m pretty sure that someone is missing me horribly seeing that my nose never stop running.

If there is really someone missing me that much, I hope I was being missed by people that I want to.

If that’s the case, I don’t mind have running nose for the rest of my life. Well not rest my life, I can’t imagine having to sniffle and rubbing my nose every 5 seconds for the rest of my life. (my nose will probably fell off like M.J) Maybe for a week. or a month.

But I can have Angelina’s Jolie’s deep, sexy voice…

I wonder how she sounds when she is having orgasm. Ask Brad Pitt that lucky bastard.

I think people look ugliest when they are having their prime or not so prime moment under those sheets. Not that I have ever had that experience. Just a thought. You see, you are all sweaty and hot and breathing furiously and your face muscles are intertwined in a funny mode and you are both sitting/laying/standing/kneeling/bending in an awkward position or even, positions. How could you possibly manage to look at your partner’s face for a couple of minutes (if you are lucky) with your eyes half shutting and moaning with your messy hair out of place sticking to your sweaty face?  Do you know that your pupils dilate,the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the muscles tense and spasm like you are lifting three times your weight when you are having sex?

It reminds me of epilepsy without puking out the white foam.

See. Sex is so violent and messy. I mean color. Is a better substitute for that three little words.

How can people claimed to enjoy something that’s magnificent when you are going to look your worst?

Well maybe your brain can’t process anything when you are coloring. Maybe is the same as when you are high in alcohol/drugs. You just keep doing it without your knowledge because you are already on the trail. The high, drifting trail.

It sounds sad. Like I have killed off the beautified bed scenes from novels/movies.

Ok no more explicit content. Who knows there might be a 10 year old reading my blog. I so do not want to be neither the cause nor the responsibility of corrupting someone’s already-corrupted-mind-just-refused-to-admit-cause-waiting-to-put-the-blame-on-someone else. in this case which is me.

So happy coloring to those who is/going to color.

Use the protected ones.

Do you know that some certain singers has this haunting voice that managed to trap and paralyze you emotionally? Lifehouse, Coldplay and Damien Rice did a pretty good job in it. It causes you such unbearable pain yet you want to hear it over and over again because you feel good to be in pain. Like it is your comfort zone, your sanctuary and the place where you are supposed to be and the feelings you are supposed to be feeling. Even though at that very moment the lyrics aren’t exactly how you were feeling will resulting in you believing that your emotions are somehow associated with the lyrics and songs.

I am hanging on every word you say

And even if you don’t want to speak tonight

Is where I want to be

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time
I never thought we’d be here
never thought we’d be here

when my love for you was blind
but I couldn’t make you see it
couldn’t make you see it
that I loved you more than you’ll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

emo giler kan? haha. is just so beautiful & heart-wrenching.

You know what, I just realized that Eminem bears resemblances with Wentworth Miller!!! Yes I realized that last night when I was watching Eminem’s MV on youtube. Especially when he turns down 45 degree with the hoodie covering almost half his face. Oh Eminem managed to make me feel somehow half paralyzed because of his lyrics. Look past his swearing, you will find something raw and honest. and he loves his daughter more than anything else in this world which is really sweet.

Degree just commence a week ago and I’m not feeling it. My heart is so not in it and I don’t feel the passion to do anything. ceh sounds like I’m talking about my love life. haha. Suddenly I feel like I’m back in high school where the teachers are strict and demanding. Demanding is a good thing but when it comes to college, it should be I demand for MYSELF. Not the OTHERS demand FROM US. Oh well, maybe is the first sem but I feel that studying is not really my thing to do. Aiks.

I haven’t read up and prepare for CRR tutorial later in the morning. Hopefully Ms Natasha won’t notice my existence. Sigh. Well I couldn’t study the notes because the moment I open it,my mind and my fingers are drifted away and my mind will pop up food and nakedness. Don’t ask me why, it just pops up. I think is telling me that I need a man and more good food.

If I could have one more chance, just one more chance to revive the past, I would have done things differently. I wouldn’t be so stubborn, wouldn’t mind the wrong-doings because I do not have the right to be. Because I myself is a bigger sinner than you are. I wouldn’t take things so seriously and will just take a seat back and relax and enjoy what will happen which won’t be anymore because of me. My anger turns you away. My fickle-mindedness, my refusal to tell you what went wrong turns you away. The misunderstandings turn you away. My indifferences and cowardice turn you away. And I’m regretting. I have had too many chances to say it out but each and everytime I didn’t hold on to it. I let it slip through my fingers believing that it will be Ok because you will still be there. That I will be fine. That time is the best therapy whereas is actually nonsense. As long as I didn’t say it, I will forever be burdened with this memory. This pain. This mistake. Sorry for always being cold to you when you were there. I don’t want to be but I had to. So that you wouldn’t know me. The inner me. The weaker me. I just like knowing that you are there, even though we don’t have to speak much. Knowing you are there is a comfort to me. And I missed you terribly. There isn’t a day that passed by without me thinking of you. How I wished I could speak to you again. Or at least be aware of your presence. That will be enough. More than enough. Don’t go disappear on me again which will only be my foolish dream because you already did. I don’t know when I will get it over with, all I know is that you will always be the ultimate regret in my life.

I so want to go to the SingFest after I check out the list of singers who will be performing.

Alicia Keys
Panic at the Disco
Jason Mraz
One Republic
Stacie Orrico
Jamie Scott
Rick Astley
The Pussycat Dolls

Damn. The people that I bold will be more than enough for me to go for the concert. Plus they have pussycat dolls. Well I’m not a big fan of them BUT they are oh-so-hot.

Is on 2nd August, Sunday. From 12pm-11pm. Yes, 10 HOURS straight.

I can see and listen and drool over Jason Mraz, Alicia Keys, One Republic, Stacie Orrico and Pussycat dolls for 10 HOURS.

Jason Mraz!!!! *big wide sunshine smile* so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. =)

The problem is, the ticket price. is freaking $200. Seeing our country’s currency keep deteriorating and the Singapore currency keep on shooting higher and faster than any guy’s erection. Well, I know it is not a pleasant example BUT I’m so upset. SIGH. After I calculate the price in OUR currency…is RM480!!!!!!

MY MOM WILL SO NOT LET ME GO FOR A RM480 BUCKS CONCERT.

and that’s the cheapest ticket.

I can picture her reaction right now…

Mom: WHAT? 480??? Do you have any idea how many pimples I have to squeeze? How many legs/armpits I have to wax? *bla bla bla for the remaining god knows how long* and end it with: U think your dad is Bill Gate? you are such a spoilt brat!

sigh. I have no idea why she loves to associate Bill Gate as my dad. I know he is super duper insanely rich BUT he seems…boring. I would be more than glad if my dad is Bono. At least he is cooler than Bill Gate. and he sings superb!!! PLUS he can get me FREE TICKETS. =D and u know those celebrity’s daughters tend to go out with SUPER HOT ACTOR. *gasp* Miller!!!!!! *grinning widely*

I sound so shallow.

What happened to my intellectual level?

Anyway, I’m gonna go watch my E! news now.

God. I really am shallow.

Hey I need to make it up to my beloved tv after not seeing it for almost 2 months k. I’m gonna go make love to it now before it gets cranky. =)

Foundation year just ended few days ago. It ended so abruptly that I felt, "that’s it? another year just passed by?" It has been a year full with ups and downs. I remembered when I was coming to KL from JB, I was picturing the prefect little life that I’m going to have without my family around and a brand new environment. You see, I like being in a brand new environment because that means people doesn’t know your past and is a great chance to start a new life. Anyway, the perfect little life that I was picturing and imagining was burst into many little bubbles. I have always been a dreamer who dream about unattainable and beautiful future and it is always many steps ahead from reality which is really really bad because you will get disappointed.

This whole year, taught me a lot. Sometimes I wonder what’s the real me and what’s the me that I have been fabricating? At times I even think that I have split personalities. Ha. I have no self identity. I’m flexible in personality and morality. You see, people always have a fixed image upon themselves by the others. I don’t know what’s mine, sometimes the fixed image given by the others to me make me ponder. Really? That’s me?? But if it is me why do I feel so not me? Sometimes you will behave so differently in front of different people. Why is it so?

Anyway, enough about me. I’m very self-centered. I know that. =p

Moving on, where should I further my studies after foundation?

Oops. Sorry. Is about me again. =)

Seriously, I don’t know. I have big ambitions/dreams which are all once again, unattainable. I hate reality. So I refuse to think about my real future. My expectations are way too high which is simply ridiculous because my requirements doesn’t even meet my high expectations. Ha. I should write children stories instead.

Anyway, I just done goggling. I love to goggle people/gossips/news. And I realize, there are so many beautiful/hot people in this world and all of them seem to have a really great life. What happened to ugly ducklings like us? I’m intoxicated with jealousy at that very moment. Yes I’m very bitter.=) Ha. Some people are born with the looks and some are born with the brains and some are born with talents and the best ones are the combination of all. Sigh. Seriously, I’m thinking of opting for plastic surgery. I have prejudice against people who undergo plastic surgery yet secretly I want it. Ha. At least it helps with my self-esteem issue. (Very serious due to the terrible childhood I been through. haha.) I’m gonna get bigger eyes, higher nose, higher cheekbones, smaller face, sharper chin, bigger boobs, perfect pout, flat tummy, small perky ass and liposuction. Oh yes and firming. And I want half of Einstein’s brain. Perfecto! =)

Although our class is far from perfect, I’m going to miss every single one of them. Especially people that I always ber-bonding with. Haha. I hate goodbyes. I just simply can’t lar. There was a point in my life where I felt like cutting ties with everyone that I known because somehow someday I know that we will part and go different ways. I so hate it when it happens. If we know that humans need to be separated one day then why do we need relationships? Why do we have to get to know each other, ber-bonding, share all the happy & sad moments together then poof. Gone. Bye. No more. Yes you will say you can always maintain relationships through all the technology but it is gonna be different. The feeling, emotion, experiences that you guys go through as a group and individually is going to cause differences. Plus, people in distance drifted apart.

Phew. That’s all I guess. =) I’m gonna get some sleep now & balik kampung later. =)

Oh shit I have my Psycho & econs paper due in less than erm…5 hours. Still half way through my notes. Oh well typical me.

Anyway, I’m such a PIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. OMG yes. I just realized that I ate 6 meals today! Well maybe even yesterday and the day before and before BUT OMG. I’m getting fatter and rounder. Even Ting Ting and Doreen said I’m getting rounder. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
*wailing, yelling, screaming silently*

Breakfast: 2 slices of toast (healthiest of the day) =)
Lunch: Ban Mee. (high in carbohydrates)
Afternoon Break: Sausage bun (high in both carbohydrates & fats)
Dinner: Chu Rou Fen. (some sort of pork noodles. yes is fattening cause is flour and it contains of carbohydrates)
Supper: Ramli burger (super niceeeeeeeeee), french fries and ice lemon tea. (Well need I say more? It contains of all the deadly sins in the world.)
Late Night Supper: (haha I invent it.) Coffee and biscuits. (carbohydrates)

The problem is, when you consume that much of carbohydrates and fats, you are supposed to burn it off by moving around. Instead, I just sit in front of my lappie and mourn over my sinful indulgence and wonder why I can’t not succumb to the dark side/temptations. Sigh. I miss roti naan cheese. Ha. I can’t bear looking myself into the mirror anymore let alone weight myself. =(

I calculated my expenses for last month and guess what? Food expenses tops it all. ALL.

Goodbye to my supposedly-one-day-to-be Fergalicious Elaine. Welcome Flabbylicious Elaine.

How am I supposed to go for my men hunt and get married like this larrrrrrrrrrrrr. I can feel my fats floating. ARGH.

I wanna have a new circle of friends whom practically hates food.

I realize I always blog when I’m not supposed to. Haha. Anyway, finals is tomorrow and I haven’t start studying yet. Not even a bit. Seriously. What I did for the whole study week? Well wake up at 2/3 pm then eat my brunch, go online, watch some tv dramas and go gagagaga then went out to eat dinner, jalan sini sana, talk talk talk, come home/next door, continue to talk/go online, eat supper, make a promise will start study tomorrow then ultimately,sleep. Yes that’s the kind of life I have been leading for the past week. What a productive study week huh?

My dream of getting all A’s seems so out of reach now seemingly that I did rather badly for my moral, econs and english during mid term and the fact that I haven’t start studying for my finals.

Anyway, I’m getting a little philosophical now. So, yes, people complain that life is unfair. Since when life is ever fair? When it is fair to you it is not fair to the others.
Ever thought of that? Hmm. Everybody has their fair-times and unfair-times. But I believe somehow that one can work for the fair-times. When you think life is treating you unfairly, look back and ponder what went wrong. Of course I mean you yourself. No one is gonna be on top all the time. You are bound to fall one day. What goes up must come down. So when you fall, think back what you have done wrong. Or maybe your work is not that satisfying than you actually thought. Again, my mom always said, "always picture yourself as half a pail of water, not full, cause if that’s the case, you will never learn and grow" So, when life is unfair to you, don’t pin-point, think back, yes sometimes circumstances can contribute to your unfairness but think again, do you seriously think circumstances control it all?

Ha that’s the end of my philosophical moment. I want to get married larrrrrrrr. Hahaha yes besides rotting away for this whole week, I have been fantasizing about my wedding. =) I’m gonna get married at Bora-Bora and tour the whole Europe for my honeymoon. Haha. My wedding singers gonna be Michael Buble, Jason Mraz, Robbie Williams(the sentimental part not the stripping part) and Jon McLaughlin. I know only can have one wedding singer but whatever lar. The theme of the wedding is going to be white. =) White roses with lavenders and the dress code will be  smart-beach-wear type. (I wonder do they have those clothes) My wedding songs are still compiling but so far:
-"I’m Yours" by Jason Mraz
-"Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls
-"She’s the one" by Robbie Williams
-"You & Me" by Lifehouse
-"L.O.V.E" by Michael Buble
-"Your Guardian Angel" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
-"Look after you" by The Fray

I’m actually very realistic. I even thought of what happens if I divorce. Oh well, my divorce song going to be:
-"How do you mend a broken heart" by Michael Buble
-"Goodbye to you" by Michelle Branch
-"I will survive" by Destiny Child
-"Life Goes On" by Leanne Rimes
The list is uncompleted because I haven’t really give much thought for my divorce.
I’m gonna have a divorce party in Spain with lots of strippers. Hahahaha.

*smacks* back to reality! Time for me to go to start studying. Moral!!!! ==’

I shouldn’t be blogging right now because I have yet to start my social psychology assignment which is due tomorrow morning. Oh well.

So, today I read about the divorce between Madonna and her husband, Guy Richie.(not sure with the name) I always thought that they could stick forever. Anyhoo, is sad to learn upon the tragedy. It makes me ponder, why do people separate? I mean, is it very hard for two people to stay and fall in love and get married and have kids and get fat and get middle-age crisis and get bored with each other and have lesser sex and started complaining and whining and blaming and fighting and quarrellings and GROW OLD TOGETHER on those grandma old rocking chair sipping coffee and reading to each other and dance and take a walk in the garden? the last part is the hardest. but WHY? You know when you see happy people stay together for DECADES, it tends to give you hope that you CAN be one of them and it makes me feel that life is actually very sunshine-y. I think everyone needs some sort of that hope.

I once read in Reader Digest that love is just a chemical and it lasts to maximum two years. When you fall in love, your brain release some kind of chemical which I don’t remember the name but the researchers said that’s LOVE. After two years, the chemical wears off and the remains is FEELINGS. Is sad. Really. You go all gaga for someone for the first two years and after that you don’t love that person anymore just because the chemical stops. Meaning love=chemical??? What happened to stories like "The Notebook" and "Walk the Line"?

Hmm. Maybe every couple should break up every two years and reconcile after sometimes so that maybe the love chemical will come back.Probably this will helps with the divorce rates.

Anyway, I hope that Tom Hanks won’t divorce with his wife. He is probably the best husband material in Hollywood. K time to start on my psycho assignment. I have the documentary video to edit and I shall continue to find my hopes on love from books and movies. =)

It’s been quite sometime ever since I last posted anything. Decided to post something since I can’t sleep.

So, what’s new? Nothing much. I moved to another place. Well not really a new place as in new place, I just shifted to another block staying with Steph and Ting ting 2. (joey nicknamed us, I’m Ting ting 1) ==’ My neighbour is leh bin, leonard and akil. All classmates. =)) Is actually quite a good news cause we can bond together. with food of course. =) (we sounded very barbaric huh) It is quite fun since all of us are quite giler giler to a certain extent. The bad thing is,ever since we moved next to each other, I started eating double portions almost everyday. I develop the habit of eating supper. Not that I never ate supper before, is just the portion now is DOUBLE. I can feel my bulging stomach. Is sad to look into the mirror nowadays. Sigh. Food/Fat lovers shouldn’t stay close to each other. Told you we are deprive of sex. Sex=food. Thus we seek pleasure through food results in food orgasm which makes us all happy and cheerful and sunshine and uncranky. (not sure with that word) Our nightlife is food and supper. At least when you have sex you burn calories.

Besides moving out and having a blackhole stomach, I’m loaded with assignments. Terlampau banyak. =( Been so busy that my assignments never seemed to finish. Once the old ones are clear the new ones are due. One of my assignment is to shoot a documentary and guess what we are doing? Food expedition. Of course, I don’t find it a surprise.  Everthing evolves around food lar. I calculated that if i don’t eat out and watch movie for two weeks I can totally splurge on shopping. EVERYWHERE is having sales and the saddest part is you can’t purchase anything even though is SALES. But I can’t stop eating lar.

Kel Zoe said that my mirror makes one look more horizontally. At first I don’t believe but now I do. I think I should probably hide it somewhere or smashed it into pieces. Sigh.

Btw, Incredible Hulk is niceyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. =D haha. I have always liked Hulk cause he is a real hero. (well I do like Batman as well…) He goes through the pain all by himself and couldn’t be with the woman he loves as he fears that everything close to him will suffer. (cliche I know but makes me go awwwwwwwww.) Emo-hulk. =) I loved the part where he could change from being angry and hysterical to cool and calm by just looking into her eyes as she says "everything is ok". =))) so sweeeeeeeeeettttttt. =P
Made of Honour is consider ok for a chick flick. Plot line was predictable BUT Patrick Dempsey makes the difference. =) It makes me wanna jump off in a plane with someone random (Mcdreamy preferably) on the street and ride off to Scotland (the wedding is there) and get married. I was actually picturing my dream wedding during the movie. with mcdreamy of course. =D he is oh-so-cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. =)))

Oh and everyone in my class seem to be obsessed with the Burger Shop game. Haha. Actually I was as well. =) I feel good cause I can flip burgers and fry fries and serve flavoured ice blended in a short period. I should probably set up a burger shop and stop studying. =p

K time to go to bed. Nighty night. =) Tomorrow is gonna be another looooooooong day.

I’m bored.

I should have went out with seahorse and ice age and yuan yuan.

But I was too lazy to shower and get change and not in the mood watching the bimbo Pamela Anderson’s fake cleavage and the movie resemblance to Scarey Movie series. Yes they are watching Superhero which I feel will lower my intellectual level. No offense though.

I thought I will do something meaningful such as finishing my 10 assignments which are all due this month. Yes 10 assignments. (I didn’t even realize that much) Yen listed it down in her blog and for that very second it motivates me. Yet I still succumb to the dark side; procrastination.

Let me tell you what a day have been wasted.

12.02pm: Yuan yuan called. I was still in my bed and I’m lazy to pick it up so I silence it.

12.05pm: Yuan Yuan messaged asking if I want to join her and Jamal for lunch in college.

12.08pm: My conscience win so I replied saying I’m lazy to shower and change.

12:12pm: She messaged me again. Trying to persuade me. I feel bad to reject again. So I continue to sleep and didn’t reply.

12.15pm: I decided to wake up but my body refrain me from crawling out from my  bed. So I decided to laze under my comforter.

13.29pm: Leonard called asking for address and I’m still lying with my comforter wrapping around me. I woke up. On my laptop and go online on my bed without brushing my teeth.

13.51pm: Leh bin messaged me asking want to join them for Superhero. I was considering while thinking that I don’t need Pamela’s cleavage to incite me.

14.06pm: Yuan Yuan called asking the LAST time if I want to go for movie and I said I’m just too lazy to shower and change.

14.27pm: Yuan Yuan called again. I think she asked which form should she print. Cause I gave her my pendrive and ask her to help me print out some stupid forms.

15.00pm: Yuan came pass me the forms and shock that I’m still showerless and un-brush. I didn’t tell her bout the latter though.

15.30pm: Roomie and her friends came back. I’m still on my bed. Remain un-brush.

15.35pm: Read Steph’s blog and got scared reading the list of my should-get-done assignments thus crawl out from my bed and brush my teeth.

15.40pm: Got hungry. Eat cereals and watch Desperate Housewives and laugh and thinking why I don’t have a cleavage like ALL of them.

16:25: Watch Grey’s Anatomy and have the urge of waxing Mcdreamy’s chest and hoping I’m Meredith Grey.

17:10pm: Chatting on MSN and watch Catherine Tate’s videos on Youtube. Can’t stop laughing. Thinking maybe I should shower but give it a go after realizing the sky is dark and start thundering like mad.

17.45pm: Sleepy. Take a nap.

18:15pm: I’m in an irritable mode cause of my roomie and housemates friends and I felt my personal space is invaded.

18.45pm: Open my eyes. My house is noisy and bright. Get annoyed. Pretend to sleep.

19.00pm: Starving. Decided to make sandwich.

19.05pm: Thinking that my house is a brothel while frying my omelette.

19.15pm: Message Yuan asking when are they coming back cause I’m going insane.

19.20pm: Eat my 4 slices of sandwiches and still thinking that my house is a brothel cause all my housemates bring friends back and they are noisy and my lazy Wednesday is ruined and I’m annoyed cause I didn’t do any of my supposed-to-do assignments and I regret why I didn’t follow them to watch the brainless bimbotic show.

19.24pm: Feel guilty thinking my house is a brothel cause all of them are nice people. Just that my sanctuary is invaded and today is my cranky day.

19.25pm: Can’t wait to move in to my new place.

19.30pm: Yuan won’t be coming back soon cause is freaking jammed and crowded.

19.40pm: Watch Ugly Betty and laugh and thinking that Betty is really nice and cute and want her to get together with her boss,Daniel.

20:30pm: Wash my dishes and smiled when all of the people in my house said they are leaving.

20:55PM: Went to pee and realize I’m fat. Hate my bulging tummy. Get annoyed.

21:00pm: Wondering why they are still here.

21:05pm: Think I’m on the verge of breaking down so I go to my refrigerator and take out my whole box of Chocolate Toffee Bliss ice cream and take the largest spoon I can find and open my religions book trying to understand what the hell all those stuff mean cause I need it for my 10pages moral essay.

21:15pm: Still completely clueless after ten minutes of staring at the same page.

21:30pm: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay I heard the door opened and I have the whole house and whole room to myself!!!!

21.31pm: On my music superb loud. =D Put my ice cream back. Close my books.

22.00pm: Feel lonely but nice. Continue browsing on facebook and friendster.

22.30pm: Here blogging. =) thinking how I have wasted such a great day and bored and reach out for my Whole Grain Wheet-Bix.

22.35pm: Read the calories and feel good cause is just 0.4g fat for 2 pieces. I feel skinny for a second.

23:00pm: Done blogging. Thinking I’m gonna have a nice hot shower with my imaginary boyfriend. Stop the thought when I think of my chubbiness.

23.05pm: Think I should really stop typing and shower and try to start my assignments.

I realized that it is easier to confide to random strangers than people whom you know. Moments ago, I was browsing through my MSN contacts and I stumbled across someone whom I didn’t speak to in ages. Someone that I barely know. Suddenly my emotions just hit me and my finger just double click on her name. Apparently my heart send a message to my nerves system and my nerves system send a message to my brain and my brain send a message to my fingers saying, " you need to talk to someone before you drown in your own sea of miserable-ness." So I started chatting and confiding and complaining and whinning about why things happened and how stupid and sad and pathetic I am. Surprisingly, this girl share the same fate with me. Well not exactly the same but we share the same level of sadness and miserable-ness. I think is always nice to know someone out there is same as you, so that you know you are not alone. Besides random strangers might give even better advices cause they are neutral. You don’t have to worry about impressing that person or that person being judgemental.

It was always hard for me to share my inner thought/moments with people. I just simply do not have that faith in mankind. Seriously, I rather tell it to the ants that crawl on my floor rather than human beings. If that emotions starting to overtake me, I will only share it with people whom I can trust and that’s just parts of it or just a very general overview. My mom called me a quiet loner.

It might turn out to be a surprise to people whom know me that I’m quiet or a loner. I’m a total opposite of quiet loner in public. Deep down, I’m so closed up that people might realize that, "hey we do hang out but I never really know anything personal about her." Yes I think I have split personalities. Ha. I never understand the concept of best friend and I can never understand how people can be so open with each other and just pour out their heart and soul. Faith is believing in something that you can’t guarantee. I don’t have it which makes me such a loner wolf. Haha. Yes I admit that I feel rather lonely sometimes. That’s why I need to constantly be around with people even though we are doing meaningless activities. Maybe I need a man. (Miller!!!) =)

Oh well, life is a bitch, get over it!

Anyway, my current new love is David Cook. =) "Oh darling you will always be my baby." xD

I miss my perfume guy. Oh yesss I dreamt about him the other night. I was lying on his shoulders and sniffling his long, slender, quite fair neck. He was wearing a polo tee but I can’t see his face cause I was too busy smelling him. Haha. He smells really goooooooood but I don’t know what fragrance is that. It smells perfume-ish though. Just the thought of it seems so sweet. :)) Hahaha. Gawd. I shall continue hoping to dream about him once again.